User talk:K7601YT
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the The Queen of Teeth page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 18:29, April 14, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:40, April 14, 2017 (UTC) Re: Story To answer your question on Banning's talk page, I deleted the story as it wasn't up to quality standards. Overlooking the wording ("Vines and grasses grew through the cracks of the old concrete pathway and brick walls.", "The long,white(space needed) hair, severed jaw, and crown of teeth made me instantly regonize Tia." (additionally the wording there makes it seem like the protagonist recognized them from the crown of teeth. If you're referring to the part of the tooth, that still doesn't quite make sense without elaboration.), etc.), punctuation ("An invite from my former boss. It read,(:)"), and capitalization (""Don't feel bad!" She (she) cheerfully gargled.", ""Remember me, Mr. Jones?" She (she) asked") issues, there are still quite a lot of story issues present. Story issues: It feels like a pretty large suspension of disbelief that the protagonist wouldn't call the doctor first to set up a meeting (especially if they still feel like their practice is still open to avoid catching them at an inopportune time.). The story makes it seem like they hadn't talked to each other for thirty years and for them to just receive letter out of the blue and decide to drive there feels a bit unrealistic. This is made even more awkward by the fact that their reason for leaving was the death of a nine year old girl. It seems like receiving a letter from someone out of the blue that directly references that trauma in the span of only a few sentences might spoil the meeting. Story issues cont.: It also feels kind of hard to justify that they'd speak so clearly despite the fact that they no longer have a lower jaw or tongue. (""Remember me, Mr. Jones?" She asked as sweetly as she could through her throat, which made her sound gargled and pained.") The problem with a physical injury like this is that vocalization requires quite a lot of factors (tongue undulations, throat contraction, etc) and even if they were able to talk, it would be a lot more difficult to understand them. Story issues cont.: The characterization also needs quite a lot more development here. These events are happening after almost thirty years leaving the question of what precipitated them to only start killing now, and how exactly they survived. I'm assuming that a protagonist as broken up over the death of a child as this one is, would likely spend time re-hashing, re-living, and looking back into the events and would know if she survived. If supernatural forces are at work, it makes it seem like a larger portion of the story is missing. Conclusion: I'm sorry, but this story needs quite a lot of work. Alongside the mechanical issues, the story feels rushed, there's a number of inconsistencies, and there really isn't proper build-up to the characters. It ends up feeling like a vehicle for introducing Tia, the Tooth Taker and not really an involving story. On a final note, the ending feels kind of shoe-horned in ("I'm spreading this story on the internet as a warning message. Please take heed. Tia won't stop until she is the Queen of Teeth.") to try and generate a bit of a 'no one's safe' ending which really lacks the proper execution. If they were able to keep everything semi- under control and only snapped recently, why is she targeting random people as well now? In the end this seems more like you're trying to make a creepypasta character than tell a horror story which really doesn't help the atmosphere or make the audience involved as we get quite a lot of OC stories. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:55, April 16, 2017 (UTC)